First I Married the Shadow Side of my Father...

then I spent 14 years in between marriages being happily single. In 1991 I entered into what I call my 'karma dump' marriage, which was to a man that held the energies of the dark side of my mother. Since the ending of that second marriage, in 1994, my inner work has been about the healing of parental wounding, and the patterns of sexual abuse and dysfunction in my blood-line lineages. I expect that the man I attract from my wholeness will bring the gifts of the balanced energies of my father, when I am no longer attracting men that mirror my parental wounds.

Harville Hendrix wrote about this possibility in his book, "Getting the Love You Want." The theory is that, until we heal the wounding from our primary care-givers in childhood, we repeatedly and consistently, in an unconscious way, attract partners who trigger that pain in us, so that as adults, we have the opportunity to move beyond the limitations imposed by that wounding. A committed primary relationship is likely the PhD program in life's journey. When a couple can agree that they have entered into a healing partnership, it is easier for both to see the patterns from the past arising in present time. Strategies can be developed for stepping out of the ingrained patterns, so that awareness of wounding from the past can be transformed by moving beyond the old reactions in present time. I'm amazed and humbled by how often couples come to me with what I call matching wounding. For instance, someone with abandonment issues will attract partners over and over who have a hard time committing to the relationship. The unconscious is asking for awareness of the pattern, so that the wounding can be healed.